If you are the wife of a porn addict, your big question will likely be, “How do you quit porn?” Just give me the formula to cram into his face and we’ll get over this problem eventually.
Your goal is simply to get your spouse to quit using pornography. If you could just make him stop, all your other marriage problems would work themselves out.
Or so you think.
Until you understand the underlying motives of why he turns to pornography to begin with, you’ll never find the solution he needs that will empower him to quit porn.
Most people assume that pornography addictions are the result of unmet sexual needs. If that’s the cause, why are so many sexually active men (and women) turning to pornography if they are finding sexual release through normal sexual activity?
Pornography is NOT about sex!
Using pornography is not a sexual problem,
it is a spiritual problem.
The spouse of a sex addict must acknowledge this foundational truth if she wants to help her mate break a *porn addiction. (This goes for male/female and husband/wife.)
Sexual immorality is a spiritual problem that focuses on desires of the heart, but aroused in the flesh. Any desire can become an all-consuming lust that longs to be fulfilled.
But we were made by God for God and our fulfillment will be found in Him alone, or not at all.
- All of us were created with a need to be loved and affirmed. We also want to be in control of our lives and successful, but we listen to the world’s definition of success are find it impossible to achieve.
- Once Christians have been redeemed out of the world, the enemy’s voice only gets louder and hijacks our thoughts. We become anxious about many things and we search for a “pressure relief valve.” The devil offers just what we are looking for, uniquely designed for each personal weakness.
- Your spouse may turn to pornography because it requires no personal interaction. Through fantasy, he is in control of the relationship and can be as powerful and selfish as he wants without any backlash.
- Or, rather than work out marriage problems with his wife, a husband may turn to pornography in anger and rebellion. Revenge is the motivation, not sexual release.
- If a wife does not affirm a man in the way he expects her to, he may seek approval and affection in his fantasies while viewing pornography.
These are just a few examples of the “heart” issues that twist spiritual desires into sinful behaviors.
Don’t see pornography use as the problem or you will be majoring on the minors. Instead, try to discover the underlying cause in the heart that is seeking fulfillment outside of God.
Jesus is the only person who will ever affirm, acknowledge and appreciate the Christian just as he is. He died to give us life more abundantly. When Christ Himself becomes the desire of the heart, all other yearnings fall under His Lordship and we are set free from unholy desires and learn to see with new eyes.
“We become what we behold.”
“Addiction” is the term I use for compulsive, obsessive, habitual behavior.
When a person views pornography, their physiological systems are affected, but that does not qualify as an addiction. The body is not dependent upon chemical reactions that take place while viewing porn, so when I refer to addiction, I am talking about the person who has become habitually obsessed with pornography, not biologically dependent upon it.