Because deception is the ruling force in pornography addictions, effective communication in Christian marriage becomes extremely difficult.
There is no doubt any married person can find many faults in his or her spouse, as none of us are perfect. And it is always easier to spot flaws in others than in ourselves. We all have our blind spots to be sure.
However, the person guilty of sexual sin has no reasonable excuse and it is a waste of time for you to argue over any issues that are not directly related to the situation.
A man may feel his wife did not live up to his expectations, but when he starts laying out a laundry list of her faults, he is diverting the blame for his sin from himself to his wife.
This is not a time for you to defend yourself for running the car out of gas that one time nine years ago. If you spouse tries to engage in any type of attack on your past mistakes, this is not the time to get defensive. He is using the “red herring” tactic to get you of his tracks and go down a different trail.
Don’t fall into his trap. When he points the finger at you it is natural to respond with similar attacks against his past. This is not the time to point out how many of your son’s ball games he missed out on.
Discussion should stay focused on the attitudes that led the spouse to stray. These talks should focus more on character, than events. This will get the conversation back to what is wrong in the marriage. There are facts relevant to the problem and those are what need to be communicated.
And if you can get the porn addict to stop shifting blame and genuinely listen, you can start by speaking the truth in love.
For effective communication to take place in Christian marriage, God’s Word must be your source to identify wrong thought processes. When you dig down to the core of any addict, you’ll discover the path he took to get where he is.
When he dwelt on sinful thoughts rather than running from them, he took the first step. When he gave in to temptation, he took the second step. And once a person gives in, the next time becomes automatic. Habits are formed quickly.
Eventually, self-deception convinces the porn addict that he is doing nothing wrong. Sexual sin is his new master and the porn addict will now do all he can to protect and serve this evil ruler.
How can a wife communicate with a husband whose loyalty has been diverted to the enemy? She must point to the solution.
Christ died to not only pay the price for this man’s sin, but also to give him power to repent from it. A Christian husband needs to be brought back to the truth.
- He is a sinner
- If he confesses his sin, he can find forgiveness
- God is willing and able to help him overcome pornography
- With God’s help he can “put off” fornication and “put on” purity
Once you recognize that your spouse is entangled in sexual sin, you can help him apply truth to the deceptive notions he has of himself, of you, and especially, of God.
The only effective communication is truth in context.
“We should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ—”